Time: The Critical Investment Every Father Needs to Make: #4-Toddlers: Part 3 Too much Adult?

What is your biggest dream for your son? 

For most of human history, the future of sons was usually connected to their fathers. At around age 12, a boy began to apprentice in a trade with his father. If dad was a farmer, the son was a farmer. Dad is a carpenter, the son is a carpenter. You get the picture.

The biggest dream of any father was that his son would take his work to the next level. Farm more land or get a greater return on the crops. Expand the family business.

There were always exceptions to this practice of sons apprenticing with their fathers, but most often dads simply dreamed of their sons being a bigger and better version of themselves. Not so anymore.

With the industrial revolution, work becomes more than farming and trade. Factory work, and the entire infrastructure to make manufacturing possible, is not a place for apprentices. Sons certainly could follow their dads doing the same work, but not working alongside from the beginning.

Dads begin to have other dreams for their sons. In fact, a common dream for fathers becomes one of hoping their sons don’t follow in their footsteps, but make more out of their lives than what they did. This is often the case today. Sons are encouraged to do better in school, including making sure to go to college, or the “right” college.

Another twist to the "son doing better than dad" story is in leisure activities. Fathers work with their sons from toddler on in some sport or some hobby that dad was involved in, or wishes he had been involved in. Go to any park in America on any Saturday (or more recently, Sunday, and weekday nights for practice) and see this firsthand. Sports, from four/five year olds on, has become an American phenomenon. 

This becomes the classic scenario of dad working with his 3-year-old son to hit that golf ball, throw that baseball, kick that soccer ball, “better” than the other 3-year-old. Of course, there is always a price to pay. 

Living under constant supervision by adults is not the same as apprenticeship. Sons aren’t learning alongside their dads, as much as being observed and subconsciously graded by their dads as to how advanced they are compared to other sons their age. And creativity and imagination don’t function well when your childhood time is constantly spent under the supervision of adults. Even “creative” playtime is often overseen and structured by adults! Obviously the advent of the preschool movement becomes an influencing factor in all of this for younger children.

 Also, consider the whole concept of leadership development.  It’s difficult for sons to lead anything when dads are in charge of the activity. It is a challenge to see any son naturally rise to leadership when every step of the way adults are stressing concepts like "fairness" and “everybody gets their turn.” 

While these are certainly admirable rules to live by, the way they are interpreted, again, by adults, makes it difficult for kids to practice leadership. Interesting, at the same time, there is often talk of a leadership vacuum in our younger generations. Well, where would anyone learn leadership in today’s adult- controlling environment? 

Now, in all of this, who doesn’t instinctually know there is room for change here? Who doesn’t say or think at one time of another, “It’s hard for kids to just be kids anymore”? Quickly though, even this sentiment will disappear as children raised in this environment are now raising their own children in this environment. I'm afraid we will not know a time when the world of adult supervision was not the norm. 

 

Time: The Critical Investment Every Father Needs to Make- #3 Infancy

The relationship between a dad and his son is the original, “old school” male bonding experience. This is a very simple truth that is often overlooked. Having an active father in a baby’s life provides a strong environment for healthy growth in all arenas. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, however you look at it, when dads are there, it is like fertilizer for a healthy life. There is no in vitro substitute for the influence a father brings.

This is not just about a dad and his son; it is about mom, too! It may “take a village to raise a child,” but the village begins with having your husband by your side, and covering your back. When I hear someone say, “Children don’t need a father in their lives,” I know this statement is not coming from a dad or from a mom who has raised kids with a dad.

If this simply means “It is possible to raise children without a father,” then, obviously this is true. The same goes for a mom. From a possibility perspective, “Children don’t need a mother in their lives,” is equally true. We just never hear this.

Practically, sharing in the tasks of raising an infant brings husbands and wives closer together. It isn't healthy to project all our needs for encouragement, joy and affirmation onto one person. Human relationships flourish as we join together with others for a common purpose. We can share work, share interests and hobbies, raise pets, and such, yet raising a child becomes the most primal, instinctual place for growth. Our capacity as men and women expands as we raise children together.

Now, dads, this doesn't mean you have to get all weird on me. I don't want to see any breast feeding apparatus like Robert De Niro, as Jack Byrnes, in Meet the Fockers (2004)! Yet, sharing in those basic infant care tasks has a ton of psychological and emotional influence, for you and your son. Here are some examples:

Holding your son closely and watching him drink from his bottle is about as close as you will ever get to seeing pure peace.

Sharing in soothing your son during nighttime fussing is not just for the sake of relieving your wife's sleep deprivation; your son is learning that you are there to bring security into his life, as well.

Changing diapers may have been a bit too much for some of our fathers to handle, but we step up. Because it is the politically correct thing to do? No, because we learn so much in this simple action. We learn that if we can take crap from our sons at an early age, we can take crap from them later! One of those lessons in "unconditional love," let's just say. O, and remember to have another diaper handy to throw over him just in case...

Taking a nap with your son lying on your chest is a great excuse to get some rest, and your son can get used to the rhythm of your heart, as he has his mom's for so much time in the womb. An added bonus is, while you are snoring because you are sleeping on your back, she won't poke you. Instead, she's thinking, "Isn't that precious..." Saw away, boys!

Now is the time to sing, pray, and give blessing to your son each night. Faith is not a "woman's thing." A habit formed from the beginning like this will have huge dividends as he grows older. Both for him and for you (I will spend a whole chapter on the topic of spiritually nurturing your son).

Yes, spending lots of time with your infant son is as much about you bonding with him as it is he bonding with you. I can't help but think of those old film clips I saw when studying Psychology, of ethologist (study of animal behavior), Konrad Lorenz, walking with geese following him. He is showing an example of "Imprinting" ("in which a young animal acquires several of its behavioral characteristics from its parent.")

Your son is not a goose, he isn't your clone, but as a dad, you have to realize how the time investment you make from day one will significantly increase the effectiveness of your influence in the coming years. Your journey has just begun. Honk! Honk!

Time: The Critical Investment Every Father Needs to Make #2: The Myth of Quality Time

Speaking of the decline in time spent by fathers with their sons in my last post, let's look at what takes place with mothers and daughters in America, only beginning much later. Daughters, who spent their lives “apprenticing” with their moms at home, were now seeing more and more of their moms entering the workplace. This shift begins during the depression, grows during WWII, with women flocking into the factories (“Rosie the Riverter”), and then continues in the post-WWII years.

For many moms this was an economic decision. In particular, lower income families didn’t have the option of mom “staying at home.” Yet with the post-war economic boom for higher economic families, staying at home becomes a choice, as well.

For many, a mom working becomes, not so much a sign of economic necessity, but a cry for freedom and liberation from the grinds of being a “housewife.” It was about being free to be your own person, and this message was usually given by those who self-identified as “Feminists.” Working outside of the home becomes a badge of honor; a statement of liberation.

So, let me see? When fathers started spending less time with their children, especially their sons, we didn’t even blink. But, take mom out of the home…Watch out!

I remember the backlash.

“A woman’s place is in the home…”

“Letting preschool/daycare raise your kids...”

“Latchkey kids...”

Yes, there is virtual silence in popular culture with the decline of father/son time, but when mom starts “doing her own thing,” she hears about it! So, what is a mother to do? The feminists tried to come to the rescue, but their message wasn’t always helpful when it comes to time. Not helpful for sons or daughters.

You see, right about this same time, a new term was coined, “Quality time.” The earliest we see this in print is in an article from the Maryland newspaper, The Capital, January, 1973.

The major goal of each of these role changes is to give a woman time to herself, Ms. Burton explained. "A woman's right and responsibility is to be self fulfilling," she said. She gives "quality time" rather than "quantity time" to each task, whether it be writing, cleaning the house or tending the children.

“Quality time” doesn’t take into consideration how learning takes place. The assumption is that intense focused time with your child is going to be as influential as “Quantity time,” perhaps thought of as “large amounts of time simply being present with your child in an unstructured, unfocused way.”

Even thinking this way you realize how this advice is easily misguided. First of all, the more time spent with someone the more opportunities there is to learn from imitation. Remember, what I said earlier? Imitation is just as important a learning tool as information. A son has always learned more than a trade or skills in living life with his father. Spending time with his father is a primary “classroom” for what it means to be a man.

Second, who is to say that by spending lots of time with your son is always unstructured and unfocused, and even if it is, who is to say that this is, necessarily, a bad thing? Unstructured, unfocused time can be the source of some real connection, can’t it? Just “hanging out with your dad” doesn’t sound so bad, does it?

Actually, even for a “quality time” advocate, if you intentionally seek to be more attentive to your son during “quantity time,” you have just given them more thorough “quality time”, anyway! Then, it is time to feel guilty, once again!

There is at least one thing we do learn from the concept of “quality time” that is helpful for fathers, however. Intentionally scheduling time to be with your son. Throughout their childhood, dads can learn to schedule activities, both structured and unstructured to invest time in their sons. Next we look at what this might mean at different stages in the life of dads and sons.